Who knew dating a divorced man would be any different from dating just a man who’s single??
Well, it is. And whether you clicked on this post because you’re dating one, interested in dating one, or you just simply want to know some interesting facts…. I feel this post will be of value to you.
I happen to be in a healthy relationship with a divorced man who has 2 children from his previous marriage of 10 years. But let me just say, it has NOT been the easiest journey!
My experiences dating a divorced man are far different from anything else I’ve ever experienced. My mental and emotional strength was constantly tested time and time again!
Even though the strength and knowledge that I’ve gained through my experience has also been very rewarding, dating a divorced man is NOT for everyone nor is it the easiest.
There are few facts that you should know before dating one to better prepare or simply know what you’re getting yourself into:
HE’S IN NO RUSH TO GET MARRIED AGAIN
Let’s face it, it’s one of those, “Been there. Done that.” kinda things. He’s not as thrilled about the thought of marriage as he was the first time.
I mean, think about it…. how would you feel if you went through the same experience??
When you get married, you’ve established this trust with the process. So when a divorce takes place, that same “trust” for the marriage process is no longer there.
Mind you, it does depend on the other person in the relationship of course, but divorces can definitely leave scars inside of a person that ultimately shift their mindset and beliefs.
Keep in mind, that doesn’t mean he no longer believes in marriage, but he’ll definitely take his time with deciding if you’re worth giving marriage another shot.
I know you may be thinking, “How could he not be sure if I’m worth it or not??”
After all, he was “sure” the first time he got married, and look how that turned out. So yes, he’s taking a few extra steps this time around. Don’t take it personal.
A conversation MUST be had about the topic. That way there are no surprises to either of the two if marriage is the goal or not. Don’t be afraid to have these conversations because they are extremely vital in order to maintain a healthy relationship. It’s important that the two of you are on one accord.
HE HAS AN EX-WIFE
Ah yes, the ex-wife. We’re talking about the woman who once had your boyfriend’s heart, mind, and soul. The one who your boyfriend loved so much, that he decided to marry her and in some cases, have children with her. The one who spent years creating countless memories and special moments with him. The one who left a mark on his heart.
Yep, that woman.
Not an ex-girlfriend, an ex-WIFE.
The difference?
An ex-wife comes with court orders and legal papers vs an ex-girlfriend.
It means the two of them went through hell and back to actually consider going through the process of divorce, which is, in fact, a long, dreadful process.
So, as you can imagine, that process is a long shot from an easy one.
Depending on the situation, you can be in a relationship with someone who may have to continually give money to another woman (spousal support).
And yes, you’re going to have to be okay with that.
But that’s only SOME cases. Which means you may have situations where the two left on good terms and aren’t involved in each other’s lives in any way.
And that’s still only SOME cases.
Other cases may involve children….
Now THOSE…..those are definitely the more complicated cases.
If you happen to be dating a man that has children from his previous marriage, you are now in a relationship with someone who is also tied to another women through those children.
Meaning another women is still a part of his life.
And you’re going to have to be okay with that.
Divorces are not easy. They end with A LOT of emotions from both parties. So, you better hope you’re dealing with an ex-wife that is completely over him – which is extremely rare.
If she’s not over her ex-husband, she already doesn’t like you. Period. And that’s okay.
But more importantly, if there are children involved, she probably doesn’t want you around them. She feels she’s the only “Mama figure” they need to know or she feels her kids should only see their Dad with one woman in his life – which is her, their Mama.
She also may not take you seriously. Pretty much just think of you as “temporary” or “a fling” because clearly, her ex-husband didn’t stay committed to her in their marriage, so why would he stay committed to you?
She might talk about you negatively, she might give you some side-eyes and evil glares…
She might even have a few choice words for you and want you completely gone and out his life!
Because she still has those feelings for him.
Now, let me just say, NONE of those reactions are acceptable. BUT, you can’t take them personally. After all, you and her don’t even know each other!
She is still so emotionally attached to her ex-husband (whether positive or negative), and she CHOOSES not to control her actions.
Emotions are uncontrollable, not ACTIONS!
Her reactions may be inexcusable, but you CANNOT let her get to you. Whatever is between your boyfriend and his ex-wife is THEIR business, not yours. So they need to handle it accordingly.
But if she does get involved in any way, (by confronting you and disrespecting you), you have to take charge and demand respect regardless. Both you AND your boyfriend need to address the matter.
His ex-wife should be HIS problem, not yours.
Therefore, it’s best to stay clear of any of her drama she may try to bring. But unfortunately, an ex-wife is what comes with dating a divorced man. You can just pray that his ex-wife comes with the least amount of problems.
HE MIGHT HAVE CHILDREN FROM HIS PREVIOUS MARRIAGE
If you’re dating a man who already has children, they will always be his top priority. Period.
Of course, that pertains to a good man/father.
Most of his free time will be devoted to them which will lead to less time with just the two of you. And in some cases of course, he could be paying child support to is ex-wife as well.
So yes, you’re going to have to he okay with sharing his time. But sharing time is not the only thing you’ll have to worry about.
Divorces are especially hard for children. The emotions that they go through are unimaginable.
They always want their Mom and Dad to be together if that’s all they’ve ever known. They don’t like change and they love both parents.
So with that being said, in their eyes, YOU are not a part of their plan for their life.
Understandable.
Kids are pure, innocent spirits that don’t understand why their parents don’t want to be together anymore. They wonder what happened and sometimes believe it’s their fault.
So they usually do whatever they can to keep their parents together, even after the separation and divorce.
So if you’re in a relationship with their father, you’re kind of getting in the way of their plan….
Therefore, they probably don’t like you either. Even though they may not know you yet.
And that’s okay.
You cannot take it personal! Those children are going through a lot emotionally.
But no matter what, be yourself.
A lot of women try to change just to get the children to like them. This is completely unnecessary.
All the children need is time. Time to heal and understand everything. So you’ll need a lot of patience and understanding as well. They’ll warm up to you when they’re ready.
But of course, never tolerate any disrespect. Not even from children. So if they are disrespectful, that is something your boyfriend needs to take care of immediately. There needs to be balance.
HE DOESN’T TRUST SO EASILY
The feelings and emotions of going through a divorce can be scarring for most. And that can birth a different mindset in a person whether good or bad.
A divorced man most likely won’t be as vulnerable as you would like him to be, and his trust won’t come as easily. He will feel the need to protect his heart, therefore, he may seem guarded.
When it comes to trust, it doesn’t necessarily mean he doesn’t trust you, but he also doesn’t trust himself fully. And even though he has trust issues at the moment, doesn’t mean he’ll never overcome them in the future. It’ll definitely take time though.
HE KNOWS WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE MARRIED
He’s knows that marriage isn’t all sunshine and rainbows. He knows it requires some real work.
He also knows what qualities he does and doesn’t want in a marriage that the two of you should possess in order to form a healthy relationship. So don’t be surprised if he’s open about certain matters because of his experiences.
Regardless, you both MUST openly communicate! And can’t stress this enough. Express yourself and your feelings about your relationship constantly. It is important that he knows how you’re handling the relationship and everything that comes with it.
HE DOESN’T WANT TO EXPERIENCE THE SAME RELATIONSHIP AGAIN
Do not – I repeat, do NOT – try to be like his ex-wife.
Sometimes you may think, “What was she like that made him want to marry her?” And that questioning can convince you to try to be like her.
There is a reason they got divorced…
If a divorced man sees himself heading down the same path with a woman who is just like his ex, he’s running the other direction.
Seriously, who wants to experience the same relationship that led to a horrific outcome?? No one.
So the best thing you can do is be yourself.
FINAL THOUGHTS
Being in a relationship in general is a lot of work. But dating a divorced man requires a lot more emotional strength and endurance depending on the circumstances.
No matter what, for any relationship to succeed, communication is key and the two must be willing to do what’s best for one another.
To know the secrets of a successful relationship, read my blog post 16 Secrets To A Lasting Relationship. It gives an in depth explanation that I’ve learned from successful couples and my own personal experiences.
MOVEMENT MOTIVATION
Dating a divorced man can be complicated at times, so I feel it’s necessary to ask the important questions in the beginning or as soon as possible. Have the conversation with your partner to understand each others intentions for your future together. Is marriage the goal? What does he hope to gain from his relationship with you? Does he still have feelings for his ex-wife? Once you ask these questions, you’ll know what to expect from one another.
If you found any of this information helpful, let me know!
Email or comment below for any questions, concerns, or feedback.
Much Love! -Tyana
